The difference between being alone and being lonely.

I have the most beautiful people in my life, all around me. They love me immensely. And so do I. Such a loving and caring family. Wonderful friends. An extremely loving special person.

I’m doing fairly well in college.

I’m very happy with my entire makeup haven (heaven?). I absolutely love writing for my new makeup blog (though extremely slow and hesitant in posting).

Yet, I have tears in my eyes. There is a weird hollow feeling inside me, which isn’t even letting me smile.

Am I being greedy? I was never the one to be so greedy and ask for more than all this from God.

Then what?

What is really going on with me?

I feel lonely. Terribly lonely. Even when I am not alone at all!

This the huge difference between being lonely and being alone. I’m nowhere near being alone. Have so many people around me. I don’t even have the time to be idle. So much work to do. But still there is a loneliness inside, which is eating me, more so every day. Just making me busy with work also doesn’t help. I’ve literally buried myself with work, all taken up and started by moi! To avoid things, to avoid thinking about them, to avoid thinking about my own self and where my life is heading if I carry on like this!

I somehow feel absolutely fed up of pleasing everybody, all the time. This is an entirely different issue though. That would take up an entire post or two by itself.

I feel like running away from everything. And everyone!

I am not the kind of person who keeps cribbing about everything. I absolutely loathe such people who do that. I love to smile, to laugh, to enjoy myself, to love, to live life!! Then, why am I being such a killjoy right now. And that too toward my own life! I don’t understand. Serious introspection is needed here. Sigh.

Maybe a good big break from everything might help. I’m hoping it will.

Or rather, it SHOULD! Since nothing else is working this time. Have tried my favourite stuff already-  food, makeup,TV!

Nope, no effect. Zilch.

So, now just cutting myself from things is going to be the next big step.

At least for a week. What say?

I’ll use minimum Internet and phone (as much as is possible).

I’ll wind up work so I don’t have the feeling that I have tons of work pending. And I will take out time for myself, for introspection. Where exactly am I wrong and what is making me feel so hollow.

And yes no doing anything for pleasing others this week.

I won’t take a break from writing definitely. But I wouldn’t post anything (as no internet, na.. dumb!).

So let’s do it!

P.S. maybe I’m just PMSing too much ?? or the horrible rains here that are making me gloomy.:(

P.P.S image taken from google.

P.P.P.S. my thoughts are so terribly muddled up, aren’t they?

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Alone Time.

The time when she’s alone,

She thinks a lot,

But never aloud.

The time when she’s alone,

She often works a lot,

But always to avoid introspection.

The time when she’s alone,

She tries to solve her problems,

But is seldom able to come out of the denial.

The time when she’s alone,

She’s rarely optimistic,

But when she is, it isn’t for long.

The time when she’s alone,

All she craves for is someone to love her,

But she’s already built so many walls.

The time when she’s alone,

She always cries a lot,

But never shows her tears.

The time when she’s alone,

She tries to tell herself, “All is well”,

But her heart just laughs at her.

The time when she’s alone,

She truly fears being alone,

But that’s just how it is.

P.S.  tried my hand at poetry for the first time. Had started to write something cheerful and nice, but this is what came out straight from my heart, every word here has been felt first hand.

Change.

Change is what makes this world go round.

Everything around us is changing every second.

Every moment is different from the previous and every moment has the power to change the next moment.

Yet, change is one of my greatest fears.

Yes, I’m scared of change, so scared, in fact, that this fear itself terrifies me from changing even the tiniest bits of my life.

I’m sure most of you would be unable to understand this fear. 

One of my favourite quotes (from Harry Potter6) in this context and a quote which very well explains my fear: – “It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.” – Albus Dumbledore

Death petrifies me, not my own though, and darkness intimidates me to the core.

For general background info, I’m a firm believer in making a strong career before even thinking of settling down. Plus, my mind works a little on the feminist side. Plus, a little overweight.

So these are the three BIG things, on which everything and every thought depends in my life. All these things make a somewhat round-robin schedule in my life. Each one occupies equal portions of my brain. And thoughts of bringing all of these highly significant changes in my life frighten me equally. 

Every day I think of the endless possibilities related to my losing weight. Oh yes they motivate me big time. But still I do not take any concrete step in this direction.

My feminist side doesn’t want me to be dependent on anyone by being in a serious relationship. But the other side wants me to have a steady relationship with the one I want, to have someone to cuddle with, to share all my feelings but then again it would make me dependent. But even if this internal conflict gets resolved for some time, the fear inside me doesn’t permit me to take any action for including that one special person I want in my life. The fear of risking the existing friendship is scary!

The strong desire to make it big in the corporate world makes me want to study very hard, which knowing my potential is not needed that much (self-obsessed, I am *sigh*).  Yet, I don’t work anywhere near even my 50%, however much I want to.

I’ve pondered for a very long time about the reasons for such kind of behavior of mine.
Some years back, I happened to come across an ebook ,titled something like “diva”, which had the same theme as my issue. I realized then, after quite a lot of thinking, that it is the thought of the innumerable changes in my life that is responsible for all this. The fear of the changing future renders me incapable of doing something to turn my life for the better. I’ve been running away from changes since as long as I can remember.

I’m scared of what will happen, I’m scared of breaking out of the mould which has been set for 20yrs now! Coming out of my comfort zone, and getting something I really want seems so out of my imagination that it’s difficult to even take a single step out of this zone, even though I want to do so very badly. I feel that even if one of its tiers is broken out of, I will be able to step out of this entire thing.  

So, lets hope I can DO THIS!!!!!

P.S. This has been the most difficult post ever. This is so because accepting all of this was terribly hard for me. And penning it down even more so. Hence, I haven’t been able to explain my thoughts as well as I wanted to.