Change is what makes this world go round.
Everything around us is changing every second.
Every moment is different from the previous and every moment has the power to change the next moment.
Yet, change is one of my greatest fears.
Yes, I’m scared of change, so scared, in fact, that this fear itself terrifies me from changing even the tiniest bits of my life.
I’m sure most of you would be unable to understand this fear.
One of my favourite quotes (from Harry Potter6) in this context and a quote which very well explains my fear: – “It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.” – Albus Dumbledore
Death petrifies me, not my own though, and darkness intimidates me to the core.
For general background info, I’m a firm believer in making a strong career before even thinking of settling down. Plus, my mind works a little on the feminist side. Plus, a little overweight.
So these are the three BIG things, on which everything and every thought depends in my life. All these things make a somewhat round-robin schedule in my life. Each one occupies equal portions of my brain. And thoughts of bringing all of these highly significant changes in my life frighten me equally.
Every day I think of the endless possibilities related to my losing weight. Oh yes they motivate me big time. But still I do not take any concrete step in this direction.
My feminist side doesn’t want me to be dependent on anyone by being in a serious relationship. But the other side wants me to have a steady relationship with the one I want, to have someone to cuddle with, to share all my feelings but then again it would make me dependent. But even if this internal conflict gets resolved for some time, the fear inside me doesn’t permit me to take any action for including that one special person I want in my life. The fear of risking the existing friendship is scary!
The strong desire to make it big in the corporate world makes me want to study very hard, which knowing my potential is not needed that much (self-obsessed, I am *sigh*). Yet, I don’t work anywhere near even my 50%, however much I want to.
I’ve pondered for a very long time about the reasons for such kind of behavior of mine.
Some years back, I happened to come across an ebook ,titled something like “diva”, which had the same theme as my issue. I realized then, after quite a lot of thinking, that it is the thought of the innumerable changes in my life that is responsible for all this. The fear of the changing future renders me incapable of doing something to turn my life for the better. I’ve been running away from changes since as long as I can remember.
I’m scared of what will happen, I’m scared of breaking out of the mould which has been set for 20yrs now! Coming out of my comfort zone, and getting something I really want seems so out of my imagination that it’s difficult to even take a single step out of this zone, even though I want to do so very badly. I feel that even if one of its tiers is broken out of, I will be able to step out of this entire thing.
So, lets hope I can DO THIS!!!!!
P.S. This has been the most difficult post ever. This is so because accepting all of this was terribly hard for me. And penning it down even more so. Hence, I haven’t been able to explain my thoughts as well as I wanted to.